Just am. Life, the universe, everything. Waiting on test results that don’t look like they’re going to come back good. Not looking for sympathy and I wouldn’t come to the internet for it anyway. The thought process I’m wrestling with is whether or not I’d be OK with this being it.
Not in the grand existential sense. Faith carries me beyond a simple fear of death. More along the lines of “have I done what I’d like to with the life that I’ve been given?”
Maybe it’s a selfish thought on my part; an egotistical one too: to think that my time here is that valuable or that I would have a meaningful impact given a few more years.
Or that I would use that time wisely. I’m satisfied with my accomplishments. I’ve done well for myself. But when one sets aside the self-aggrandizement for a moment the truth is that, like most people, I’ve tended to waste time pursing my own interests rather than shaping time and space to a higher purpose.
Maybe I’m OK with that. Perhaps the higher purpose of existence is not that you’ve changed the course of history, because few people do, but that you’ve followed the course of your own choosing and have been true to yourself through the journey.
Maybe I’m not OK with that. I’ve got a lot left to write. Places I want to go. People I want to see. An empire to build. The universe was intended for me and I’ll be damned if it isn’t going to bend to my will.
And maybe I’m just ranting. I’m a bit upset about this. A little bit scared. Annoyed with the pain more than anything. Maybe the tests will come back better than I think and I’ll have tortured myself for nothing.
Whatever.
I think I’m going to use this tumblr thing for this. A little stream of consciousness for me to gather my thoughts through what’s coming in the next little while. It’s probably going to be a little bit raw - and about 8 people are going to read it - and I’m sure you don’t care - but maybe it’s good for me to get it out.
-W
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